Remembering My Grandmother

A year ago today, my grandmother’s battle with cancer ended. In the past days I’ve kept thinking that I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel on this day. I mean, I mourn and miss her every day, and this day is no different. I will hug my build-a-bear that we made together, along with my cousins, and remember the heart she kissed and put in it. I’ll remember that she told us to hug the bear when we wanted to hug her. I’ll remember her tears while telling the kind ladies in Build-a-Bear what these bears were for. I’ll long for her.

But today, I will celebrate her. I will remember all that she did. Because this lady, was one of the most special people you could have ever met. And I’m not biased! Everyone loved her, and felt their own special connection with her. Before she passed, I got a tattoo in her handwriting from a card she had given me that says “love always”. I felt this was perfect because I always said I want to be like her when I was older. And what I meant by that was the fact that she always chose to see the best in everyone, no matter who it was. She treated strangers like best friends. We used to laugh at her for it, and she’d laugh too, but in reality, it was one of her best traits. She never spoke badly of anyone. How rare is that these days? She was happiness. If I could describe my grandmother in one word, it would be happiness. And that’s not to say that she didn’t have her fair share of heartache and pain in life, but her soul and her energy was something so special that you just couldn’t help but feel happy when you were with her. She loved people. She also loved her alone time playing poker on Facebook, but she loved people. She understood people.And she loved HARD. And that is my life goal, to love as hard as she did, and to try to see the best in everyone.

I did get a few traits of hers handed down to me. One specific thing we had in common was being a people pleaser. She always wanted everyone to be happy, and hated when there was any conflict. If someone she loved was hurting about something, she would worry about it endlessly. And yes, this is highly stressful at times, because we all know it’s impossible for everyone to be happy all the time. But I still like that trait, because it came from her, and she’s my ultimate role model.

So, my garlic loving, poker playing, wine drinking, snuggle cherishing grandmother, I am so lucky to have you watching over me. I am so lucky to have your blood running through my veins. I am so lucky that I have Jess, Becca, Matthew and David because of you. I am so lucky to have someone so magical to look up to.

Channeling the Lion King, "He lives in you, he lives in me

He watches over everything we see

Into the waters, into the truth

In your reflection, he lives in you" ☀️

Favorites of 2016

Some of my favorite posts to read are lists of people's favorite things. Whether it be tv shows, beauty products, songs, or movies, I love getting recommendations and having a little window into someone else's mind. So without further ado, these are, in my opinion, the things from many different categories that I discovered during the year of 2016 that you must see, must do, must hear or must have.


1. Roots (History Channel Miniseries)

I watched this miniseries, which is comprised of 4 two and a half hour episodes, a couple of weeks ago, and quite literally have not been able to stop thinking about it. This is a remake of a 1977 miniseries with the same name which was based on the novel Roots: The Saga of an American Family by Alex Haley. It follows the story of Kunta Kinte, a Mandinka warrior from West Africa, who is taken from his family and brought to America when he is captured by white slave traders. I won't give much more away, but this miniseries will follow the compelling story of the generations of Kunta Kinte's family, as family is the most important thing to Mandinkas.

This story is based off of real history, and real history was gruesome. So I will warn you, there are many parts in this miniseries that are hard to watch. But it was like reading a good book. I just couldn't stop watching and ended up finishing it in a couple of days. If you want to be completely taken away from your world, learn a bit about history, and introduced to characters that you will fall in love with, this is for you.

2.  Survivor Season 33

I am a self-proclaimed Survivor addict. Have been since the age of 7 or 8 actually, when it all started. And out of all the seasons, none had the punch that this one did. It was the game we all know and love, but cast with so many great strategic players who really love the game. Not only that, but it was won by someone I related to, and the whole world felt his story. Survivor was a show he watched with his mother every Wednesday since he was little, much like my family and I, and his mother had actually almost gotten on the show with him a couple of seasons ago. Well she was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, and when he got on the show by himself, she urged him to go, even though she was so unwell. Watching his victory was something so special. And he deserved it not only because he had a "sob story", but because he had a great strategic and social game. It was truly well earned. His mother passed away about an hour after he got home. And while he was sharing this story at the live finale through tears, he said something that really resonated with me and I'm sure tons throughout the world; "This is crazy because it's MY life. Like, it's such a beautiful story, like I can get that looking outside of it, but this is my life. And it's real." If you haven't watched Survivor,  I highly recommend you start with this season, even though I kind of just spoiled the winner.

3. Tartlette In Bloom Palette

As much as I loved makeup, I was never much of an eyeshadow person, mainly because I sucked at putting it on (and still do!). However this year I bought this as my first palette, and it has been so perfect for a beginner like me. It has so many neutral shades and lots of mattes, and it applies so easily. This is definitely my makeup favorite of 2016!

4. Minimalism

This year I cleaned out my room. And when I say cleaned out, I mean really cleaned out. My room was full of clutter that I just didn't seem to want to get rid of. And the clutter in my room was making it so much less of a nice environment to spend time in. So I went by this quote, "Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful". And with that quote, I got rid of so much stuff that was just taking up space and energy. And now my room is so much more of a sanctuary. When your surroundings are calm, you're more likely to feel calm, and this is one of my favorite things I tried in 2016.

5. Houseparty App

This app was one of my favorite discoveries! It allows you to video chat with multiple people at one time, and it works amazingly! I use it with my friends from Instagram, and my family who lives in another province, and I find it cuts out even less than FaceTime. It's been so much fun to be able to virtually hang out with two friends at once. Highly recommend.

6. Beyond Type 1 

I am enormously proud to be on the Global Ambassador Council for Beyond Type 1. In their words, "Beyond Type 1 creates and funds a portfolio of programs, technologies and innovations that those living with Type 1 diabetes need to manage, live and thrive.  Our goal is to highlight the brilliance of those fighting this disease every day while always working toward ensuring a cure is on its way." 

Though Beyond Type 1 wasn't founded in 2016, they made so many huge accomplishments over the year, and this is the year that I was lucky enough to get to spend time with the amazing people behind it. There was the Revlon Challenge, and so much money was raised for our cause (Thank you to everyone who contributed!), and the Snail Mail Club was born. People at Beyond Type 1 cleverly pair you up with another t1d to write to, and equip you with a little kit! This is just one of the many ways they've worked to make kids and adults with diabetes all around the world feel less alone. Getting to see it first hand, I am truly in awe of the hard work and passion that has gone into all of this. If anything inspired me most this year, it was Beyond Type 1.  Shoutout to Mary Lucas, Sarah Lucas, Thom Scher, Michelle Boise, and Sara Jensen for everything you've accomplished over the last year. You made my year infinitely better.

10 Quotes That Have Helped Me Get Through The Hard Days With Chronic Illness

I can openly say that I am a quote addict. I can browse through quotes on Pinterest for longer than I'd like to admit. And I find doing this a great tool for getting through hard times. Sometimes just reading a good quote that resonates with you gives you some perspective on things. So, without further ado, here are 10 quotes that have helped me look at things in a way that's gotten me through some rough times.

#1- "When it is all finished, you will discover it was never random."

The idea of fate is subjective. The thought of everything happening for a purpose is subjective. But it has truly helped me to believe that every little thing that happens leads you to something else that is meant to happen in your life. For example... I attended college in a Professional Photography program for one semester before I got sick. It was a blip in time, and it turned out not to be what I want in life, but I truly believe that I was meant to attend for that one semester, because I met my best friend there. I don't believe it was random that we met on the first day of orientation for class. I believe that she is one of the soulmates I'm meant to meet in my life. I never say nothing came of that, or that I failed by having to leave, because attending for that one semester placed her in my life and changed it forever, and she became my rock throughout many years of my illness. 

#2- "There is purpose in your season of waiting." - Megan Smalley

You are going to notice a slight theme with the quotes that have gotten me through hard times. It's the theme that there is purpose to the pain. That this pain isn't for nothing. Maybe one day I will use this painful period of waiting to help other people going through the same thing. Maybe in this season of waiting, circumstances will put me in a room with another person who I'm meant to cross paths with. 

#3- "Your story is unique and so, so different.. and not worthy of comparison." 

This is a great reminder to stop comparing myself to other people. Everyone is on their own path and it's fine if your path is different. Our paths aren't supposed to be symmetrical. No one has lived exactly what you have lived, and it's so important to cheer each other on instead of comparing, and to know that what has happened to you is yours and no one can change that. It's not there for anyone else to compare or judge. 

 

#4- "I realized there is no shame in being honest. There is no shame in being vulnerable. It's the beauty of being human."

When you suffer with a chronic illness, sometimes it feels like people expect you to be strong. People expect you to be able to handle whatever is thrown at you with grace. Sometimes it's hard to share your true feelings on your situation. Some days will be harder than others, that's a guarantee. And on those hard days, it's okay to be open, and honest. Anyone who judges you for complaining, or letting down your armour and being vulnerable, is not worthy of one second of your thoughts. The people who matter are the ones who have love in their hearts, and they will appreciate the human in you. 

#5- "They tried to bury us. They didn't know we were seeds." - Mexican proverb 

I absolutely love this powerful statement. I look at the word "they" as life. Life may try to bury us, but we will grow right through the soil it throws on us. This quote is a powerful reminder of our strength and resilience as humans. 

 

#6- "Where you are is not who you are. - circumstances" 

Such an amazing reminder that what has happened to you in life doesn't dictate who you are. The way I see it, the fact that you may be stuck home with no job, or out of school, doesn't make you less wise, or lazy. Those are your circumstances, not your characteristics. Maybe you're funny, or maybe you're generous and kind. Maybe you're a singer, or a writer. Maybe you have a love for animals, or a passion for volunteering. Maybe you love comedies or maybe you love scary movies. THAT is who you are. This tells me that I am not my illnesses. I am made up of the traits I have (the good and the bad), the things I love, and the things I feel passionate about.  

 

#7- "Even if you shake, a step is still a step. Continue to be brave enough to walk your path." - The Better Man Project

Sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes I feel like I can't take another second, as I'm sure a lot of people can relate to. But when I make that tiny decision to keep going, that is a step. It doesn't matter if you waver, so long as you keep going. 

#8- "Trust the wait. Embrace the uncertainty. Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible."

How true is this last sentence? "When nothing is certain, anything is possible." Uncertainty sucks. I am a person who likes to know all the facts. The unknown puts me on edge. But this thought, that not knowing and being uncertain isn't so terrible, and that things beyond your wildest dreams can happen, helps me get through these days. 

#9- "So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you can be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate? Decide. Breathe in. Breathe out and decide." - Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

Having a chronic illness, a lot of the time it feels like nothing in your life is in your control. And it's a horrible feeling. I absolutely love this reminder that although some things are out of our control, there are still choices we can make. We still have power over our lives, and if we don't like where we are, we can figure out if there are things that we can change to make us happier, or to make us a better person. There is always room to grow.

#10- "So, what if, instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow."

Speaking of growing, I love this idea of just letting your pile of good things grow. It is so easy to worry about the rest of your life. Especially when it comes to chronic illness. I go to that place of worry all the time, and feel like I need to figure everything out. But if we focus on just adding things into our lives that make us happy, and add them in one at a time, as slowly as we need to, things will change for the better. It's impossible to figure out your whole life in a day. But it definitely isn't impossible to slowly add in things that you make you smile, even if it's for a second.

A Letter to My Friends With Chronic Illnesses

To my friends with chronic illnesses,

We met for one reason; our bodies don’t work the way they should. We’re all fighting different battles, but at some level we just get each other. We know what it’s like to be confused as to why our bodies are failing us at such a young age. We know what it’s like to be poked and prodded, and have test after test done, sometimes to reveal something awful, and sometimes to reveal absolutely nothing. We know what it’s like to watch our peers grow up while we’re stuck stagnant due to our health. We know what it’s like to miss out on fun things that we should be getting to do. We know what it’s like to feel helpless. We know what it’s like to have far more medical knowledge than we should. We know what it’s like to have an unpredictable future due to the nature of our illnesses. We know what it’s like to have to advocate for ourselves to doctors. We know what it’s like to leave appointments in tears.

There’s a reason why we get along so well. It’s because we’ve felt a particular type of pain that many haven’t felt. Maybe we look at life a little differently since we’ve been sick, because now we really have to focus on where we want to spend the little energy we have. We have to focus on who we want to spend that energy on. We celebrate tiny victories that to others would seem laughable, but to us it’s an accomplishment.

I want you to know that I am proud of you. I am proud of you for waking up everyday and fighting the same illnesses that left you so tired the night before. No, you didn’t choose to get sick. Who would? You don’t have to be an inspiration, and you don’t have to be brave. But either way, I am proud. Because none of this is easy, and you’re still here to fight another day. Every day might not be a good day. Some will seem impossible to get through, whether it’s the awful symptoms, the side effects, the isolation, or just the mental anguish that comes with being stuck in a body that you want a refund for. But together we are so much stronger. We will lift each other when one of us falls. We will keep each other company on those nights that our symptoms are keeping us up. We will celebrate all the victories, big or small. From far and wide, and all across the globe with a unique bond, we will love each other through it.

“People like us we’ve gotta stick together.”

Laparoscopic Excision of Endometriosis

This week was finally the week of my surgery. A laparoscopy to look for endometriosis and to cut out whatever endometriosis was found. Being my first real surgery, I was nervous. Nervous is probably an understatement.

I collected as many tips and tricks as I could prior to the date from other women with Endometriosis who have undergone several laparoscopies. I heard the same tips repeated several times, and they were definitely right. I was told to go to the pharmacy and pick up some Gas-X and that I’ll be happy to have it. That was definitely right. During the surgery, they inflate your belly with gas so they can see around the organs more easily. It’s impossible to get all that air out after so it tends to get stuck in your abdomen, chest, and shoulders. While the gas never quite reached my shoulders, I felt it in my chest, so the Gas-X was super helpful. The second great piece of advice I was given was to SPEAK UP. I was told that if I’m feeling really anxious, tell them, and they will give you something for it because they want you to be as comfortable as possible. If you’re nauseous, speak up, they have meds right there ready to give you. I was also reminded not to leave without a prescription for pain meds, nausea meds, and Colace.

With all these tips, I was ready to go. I was the first surgery of the day so we had to be there by 6:30 AM. I was understandably nervous, but I have to say, the nurses, the anesthesiologist, and of course my doctor and surgeon were all so comforting and kind. Those are the things you don’t forget.

When I woke up, it took me a few minutes to figure out where I was and what happened. Once I was less out of it, my doctor came to talk to me, and told me what they found, which was a large patch of endometriosis on the back of my uterus that they cut out. We follow up in a few weeks once I’m all healed to discuss how we’ll proceed.

I am so grateful for this doctor, for her kindness, for finding an answer to some of my pain, and for just existing. She happens to be an endometriosis specialist, and I found her by complete fluke. Some things are just meant to be.

Post-op, things have been going fairly well. I had really built it up in my head that it would be awful, so the recovery is ending up going much better than I had anticipated! Nothing can happen without some complications, so on Day 2 post op, I started going into urinary retention. I could barely get anything out. We figured out that the pain medication I was prescribed was the culprit so I stopped it and now my bladder seems to be slowly recuperating. I’ve been experiencing lot of bloating, actually 4 pounds of bloating and water retention, so I’m hoping that will go down ASAP.

All in all, I haven’t bounced back yet, and am not feeling quite myself, though I know it’s only 2 days post-op and I’m hoping I’ll bounce back soon. You can just call me the queen of impatience. :)

World Diabetes Day 2016

November 14th was World Diabetes Day, but for us Type 1 patients, it's every day. Today I want to talk about the people we don't necessarily see or always think about. A Type 1 diabetic needs insulin to stay alive. No ifs and or buts. They will die without insulin very quickly. In developing countries, access to insulin is often impossible, and if it is accessible, will take up a family's entire weekly income. Consequently, according to the International Insulin Foundation, children with Type 1 in developing countries can have a life expectancy as short as a year. I am so grateful to have access to this ridiculously expensive liquid that saves my life every day, and today, I think of those who are not as lucky. Of those who deserve this medication just as much as I do but can't get it. Of the children who will die because of it. And I hope for a future where everyone has access to insulin. Because having to give 7+ injections a day is a curse. But being ABLE to give myself those injections is a blessing.

10 Ways Having a Pet Helps Me Get Through The Hard Days With Chronic Illness

1. When I’m coming home from a hard appointment or a hospital stay, I know he’ll always be there to greet me.

2. Animals can sense when something is off. They are so in tune with their humans. I can recall so many times when I’ve had tears rolling down my face and my cat has come and plopped himself down on my chest and nuzzled my face.

3. They’re hilarious. Each has its own set of quirks and weird habits that can’t help but give you a few laughs.

4. They never judge. Whatever crappy decisions I’ve made that day, no matter what I look like, no matter if I have mascara all over my face and haven’t washed my hair in days, my pet’s love never wavers.

5. They teach you to find joy in the little things. Like a cardboard box.. Or a string… Or the simple throw of a ball.

 6. Chronic illness of any kind is isolating. There is no doubt it will have some sort of impact on your social life. With your pet, you’re never alone. You have built-in company.

7. Since maybe you don't get out as much as you'd like to, they give you something to take pictures of. You've become their personal photographer.

8. They keep you moving and provide endless entertainment. Even if you can’t move around much, your pet will surely find some way to keep you busy.

9. Your pet can potentially support any special needs of yours. Whether you need a service dog for mobility, a seeing eye dog, or a dog to help you with tasks that are hard for you. For example, a diabetic alert dog notices subtle changes in the chemicals in its owner’s body when their blood sugar begins to drop or rise and will notify them and prevent dangerous hypoglycaemic episodes. An emotional support animal (ESA) is a companion animal who provides support to its owner who has a physical, psychiatric, or intellectual disability, but does not do any specific tasks for them. These are different from service dogs. The point being, these pets are so incredibly special, they put your life before their own. Pets are the best medicine and can be a huge aid for some people.

10. When you feel like you just can’t face another day, you wake up in the morning and see their face so excited to see you, and you remember why you’re here.