I was listening to a podcast I did where I was asked the question, “Is there a ‘who you were’ pre-illness, to a ‘who you are now’? Have your interests changed? Do you still want the same things in life?”
My
answer was easy. No, I am not who I am pre-illness. No, I no longer
want to be a fashion photographer. If I miraculously healed, I wouldn’t
go back to school for the same
program. I no longer have the same friends. The people closest to me are not the same people as they were. And that’s okay.
It’s
funny, because when you have a debilitating chronic illness, your life
kind of comes to a stand still. But then you look back, and even though
not much has changed over the years, there has definitely been a change
in the person you are.
Friends
get slowly lost when you become ill, especially with a mystery illness.
And I no longer feel any resentment toward that. It’s understandable.
You stop being able to do the fun things you were once able to do
together, and what you’re going through is so foreign to old friends
that they don’t necessarily know how to fit into this life of yours that
has changed. That doesn’t make it less painful, but over time you begin
to gain a different perspective.
I
used to be super passionate about becoming a fashion photographer. My
love of photography started in high school, and for years I did photo
shoots with my friends, even doing photography for some small
businesses. I started school for professional photography in college,
and it was after the first semester that my illness hit. I look back
now, and I know that if I were to get better, I wouldn’t return to that
program. Through these years of illness, I’ve learned that I have other
passions. I never know what will remain a hobby and what will develop
into a career, but I definitely know those things have changed.
When
you’re chronically ill with a life-altering disease, your life starts
looking a lot different. Your days become choices, deciding where to
spend the energy you have that day. For example, I love makeup, but have
seldom been able to do it lately because I’ve chosen not to use all my
energy up just getting ready. Days that used to be filled with society’s
norms become filled with doctors appointments, procedures, and tests.
That beautiful walk in the park on a summer day might not be something
in the realm of possibilities.
So
with all that, how can it be easy to maintain your identity? Chronic
illness does its best to take away your identity. It makes you slowly
forget the things you used to love to do, it slowly robs you of the
circle of friends you once had, and it makes you question who you even
are anymore.
Then:
I was very into fashion and makeup. I had great friends that I had
sleepovers dates with where we’d stay up until late eating snacks and
chatting about everything, from TV shows to school to personal matters. I
was going to be a fashion photographer. I prided myself on that.
Now:
I see any friends on FaceTime the majority of the time. I’m constantly
taking meds to curb symptoms. I can no longer talk to my old friends in
that same relatable way. They work or go to school, and that is their
life. And as much as I love them and wish it was my life too, it’s not.
I’m happy to say I haven’t lost my love for fashion and makeup. I’m
even considering getting back into photography as a hobby. However, I’ve
discovered my true passions; writing and advocating for invisible
illnesses. Trying to help people who are on a similar path that I
walked. Diving into the Type 1 Diabetes community.
So
in a way, my illness became incorporated into my identity. My passions
changed because the things I felt strongly toward changed. And that’s
bound to happen. As years go on with a chronic illness, and you learn
more and more about disability, you find yourself interested in
different things. Regardless of chronic illness, actually, the mind and
soul are always growing and learning. It’s never-ending.
All
in all, I think it’s okay to not maintain your identity after becoming
chronically ill. I think your identity might have changed anyway, but
any major life event can have an effect on who you are as a person, and
chronic illness certainly is a major life event.
But
there can come a point where you no longer recognize yourself. You know
longer know who you are apart from your illness. Try to remember who
you are. You have an illness, but you are not an illness. You are a
person, with a favorite color, and a song that makes you smile every
time you listen to it. You know what kind of day is your perfect
weather. You have a favorite food that makes your lips water. You have more of an
identity than you might think you do. Reach for it.