Thursday, July 11, 2019

Back From My Unintentional Break

Hi all,

It feels good to be back! On May 31st, I had emergency open heart surgery to remove a large blood clot from my right atrium. I'll definitely write about it but it's taking me a long time to get those words together. And well, it's quite the long story.  So that kind of knocked me off my feet for a while. But I'm back with what I feel like is a whole new perspective on life in general.

I wrote this in my Notes app in my phone a couple of weeks after surgery; "Something about having emergency open heart surgery makes you come to a screeching halt to re-evaluate your life."

I feel like it's impossible to go through something like that and not feel changed in some way. I'm not sure exactly how I'm changed, but I knew as soon as I was coherent enough after my surgery that life would not be the same from here on out. I was going to leave anything I was doing that was causing any stress or unhappiness in the past. I was going to live with purpose. I was going to be a better human. I was going to be a better friend.

Where am I now? Still trying to figure this all out. I've definitely taken a step back from some aspects of social media that I feel were unhealthy for me. What purpose am I living with? Haven't quite nailed that down yet. But I know I will, and it feels like I didn't get through all that just to merely "survive" through life, I got through it so I could LIVE. How am I going to be a better human? I think that we can all always try to be a better human. That growth is never ending. And as long as you acknowledge that you have room to grow and are willing to open up your mind and learn, you'll always have space to become a better human. So that goal is never ending, but I am definitely actively thinking about it more. How am I going to be a better friend? I haven't done as much of this as I would have liked to by now. Recovery has been slow and I feel like I've been an absent friend, far too quiet, which I felt like I was before too. I want to muster up the energy that I don't feel like I have, and be a friend who checks in. A friend who reminds the people close to me how special they are. A friend who lifts them up.

So, that is where my head is at. Actually, it's just a really small part of where my head is at, because let me tell you, it's EVERYWHERE. I have so much to figure out, but the good news is... I have time :)


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