My Self-Esteem Battle and Learning to Love Yourself

I hated myself. Plain and simple. I really did hate myself. There were many things I hated, but a large portion of those things were related to my body. And I’m not talking about the malfunctioning of it. I’m talking about the outside.

Over my years of being mostly stuck in the house and immobile, I gained weight. That combined with my thyroid put me at the highest weight I’d been at in my entire life. My self-esteem was awful to start off, so after gaining the weight, it was a wreck. I felt so awful about myself and felt like everyone could see every pinch of fat on my body. My doctor told me I should lose a little weight. A very close family member told me I wasn’t my ideal weight, and it was so painful. Because I spent every moment of every day working hard at trying to accept myself and my body and feel decent. And it was hard work. I really worked hard to love my body as it was, even if my BMI classified me as overweight and I felt there was nothing I could do about it.

Because of a medication I started, my appetite was diminished and my stomach issues were slightly worsened. I lost 15 pounds in the last month. And I finally found my confidence. But something about that feels wrong to me. I wish I could have found it within myself to love my body even with the extra weight, and I almost feel like I failed when I finally gained some confidence only after losing weight.

When I say my self-esteem problem was severe, I mean it. I love clothes and I love shopping. Yet I would go into fitting room after fitting room with a ton of clothes and come out and buy none of them because I felt disgusting in every single thing. This was a problem to the point where I didn’t own enough clothes and wore the same thing over and over again because there were only one or two items of clothing that I didn’t feel horrible in. This problem with my body really did start overtaking my life. I could not stop thinking about it. I was never diagnosed with any type of eating disorder, but I did do the occasional rebellious thing to try and lose weight, yet nothing seemed to work. So deep down I knew that I had to find acceptance. I remember saving a picture on Pinterest saying something along the lines of, “We think cats are cute no matter what size they are so why can’t we think the same about humans?”. I tried to think about that quote when I felt myself obsessing over my weight. But really, to no avail.

So right now I’m in a place where I’m happy with my body on most days. And I wish so badly I could have gotten to that point before having lost the weight. I am grateful that my self-esteem has improved, but I wish I could have achieved that without my physical appearance changing.

Self-love is so important and for many so difficult to achieve. So if you have achieved it, congratulations! That’s an amazing thing and a hard thing to maintain in today’s society, so you’ve done an incredible job. If you have not achieved self-love, keep going for it. Try and see yourself the way someone who loves you sees you. Some people say self-esteem is like a muscle. The more you use it, the stronger it gets. So some people say to fake it until you make it. I didn’t quite get there but I did feel it beginning to work at times. You are perfect the way you are. You are a creature of the earth and you deserve to feel peace just like every other living being on the planet. Do you have a friend that hates themselves, but you think they are the most beautiful thing and you wish they saw themselves the way you see them? If you struggle with self-esteem, you are likely that friend to someone. Please don’t give up on trying to love yourself. I'm not going to give up.

Xo Michelle