Saturday, November 19, 2016

Why Waiting is the Hardest Part


 











To any doctors out there,

I am someone's daughter. I am someone's granddaughter. I am someone's sister. I am your patient. When you meet me, maybe you don't know that I've been searching for answers for 4 years. Maybe you don't know that I've seen countless doctors who have left me hopeless. Maybe you don't know that 4 years of my life feel wasted due to being unable to work or go to school.  To you I might just be another patient with weird complaints. You have so many patients, and some of them have life-threatening emergencies. While my illness is progressive, it's proven not to be deadly. Therefore in the healthcare system it's no rush. But to me, it's a rush. It's urgent. I fear for how many more days of my life will have to pass me by before I am able to get any sort of treatment. Because to get treatment, you need answers.

As a girl in her young 20s, I've seen a lot happen in the last 4 years. I've seen friends graduate, I've seen friends move into their first apartment.. I've seen life pass by me as if it were on fast forward and slow motion at the same time. I mourn the years of my life that have gone by so quickly yet so painfully slowly. I mourn all the things I've missed out on doing. I mourn the future, because I don't know how many more years it will be before I get the help I need to thrive. I don't know how much worse I'll get before answers are found, and I don't know if it will be reversible. So yes, to me it is a rush. To me it is an emergency. Please understand that. 


I know you cannot put yourself in my shoes. I know you cannot feel the ataxia I'm stuck with, or my tremoring hands and tongue. I know you can't feel my legs shaking under me as I walk. I know you can't feel what it's like to be 23, and 4 years into this mess that has put my life on a long hold. But please. Try to imagine. And try to understand why to me, after my young twenties have almost passed me by, this is urgent.





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